At the onset of the quarter I spiraled myself into an idea that I could not be a successful student outside the context of the face to face classroom. How could I do this myself? Why couldn't I feel a connection to my classmates? Why wasn't my writing ending up in the place I expected it to go? I struggled through the first half of the quarter, nearly dragging myself through the course. I wasn't connecting; instead I was stagnant. I wrote a think piece and a revision about my struggles in learning, trying to work through what wasn't working. I thought it to be a problem with the course set up or my aloneness in my studies. Instead of trying to make things work, I fought against the construct of the class.
I do not know what happened or what changed, but in the last month, I have developed a great appreciation for the learning I have done in the context of this quarter. I began to realize that my personal reading list is a model for the way I will read after I graduate. I have to motivate myself to read for my own pleasure, especially when there is no one with whom I can discuss intricate plot details or character development. I would even suggest that this is a more difficult way to read as it involves the searching of my own thoughts to find connections and personal meaning. As Bill said in the discussion forums, “Sometimes it's good to take time by yourself and develop your own thoughts, work through them, debate them with yourself and discover what it is that you really think and believe.” I found his words to be insightful as he described what I had been learning about myself throughout the quarter. Indeed there is a great benefit to discussing literature, but there is also a value in struggling through it oneself, wrestling with the text, coming up successful with a new revelation.
I struggled with thinking for myself. I have spent a majority of my education being guided by the thoughts and opinions of others. I have always had an idea of what my instructors and peers expected in my writing, so I wrote in ways they would approve of. I listened carefully in class for the ideas of others and used them as my launching pad. I was timid about sharing the genuine thoughts that came to me while I read. I was unsure of their validity, and I was afraid of being mocked for my ideas. Since I had very little “bouncing off” of ideas this quarter, I was forced out of my comfort zone. I was forced to be original in my thinking and writing. I was uneasy about this for several weeks. I regret this, for I lost the potential to learn, but I also realize that my unease was part of my process in arriving to a place of acceptance. Although I am still hesitant about sharing some of my own ideas, I can be more vocal about them.
Without the safety net of class that I became accustomed to last quarter, I have been forced to be a reader of my own accord. I pick up books not because they are assigned to me, but because I interested in their content. I pause at the bibliography not because I am doing a research project, but because I want to learn more. I spend my afternoons in the library not because I am earning extra credit, but because I love being surrounded by books. These things have always been a part of my life, but in the last few years, amid the rush and stress of college course work, I lost my personal connection to reading. I have finally gained it back.
Scholarship is both the result of personal study and of community interaction. Although the structure of the class community was removed from me this quarter, I have come across another sort of community, a collection of friends and colleagues who share the same passion for reading that I do. The impromptu discussions I have with them at work, in coffee shops, in the park, in the car, or at home all add to the idea of a “community of practice.” These encounters are where the real world meets the classroom and all I have learned in the past months start impacting people outside myself.
Ten years from now I will no longer be too shy to share what a book made me think about or too involved in the latest reality show to neglect reading. The transition I made during this learning contract from a highly structured classroom setting to the more relaxed style of the learning contract has given me the gift of independent learning. I did not know that I lacked this until I needed to use it. I suppose that, as all things in life, you have to bear through the rough things to get to the truly great things. I was not always the most patient student, but I have gotten to enjoy the fruit of the journey. Lifelong learning has blossomed from this quarter, and I plan to keep watering it daily.
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To view my comments about the changes in this think piece, please view this Screencast.
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